Didn’t Like ‘Em

Here’s a few movies I’ve watched recently that I didn’t much care for and would probably tell people that they’d be better off skipping them – or running away from!

Deck The Halls (2006)

Deck the Halls 2006 Christmas comedy Broderick DeVitoDanny DeVito moves across the street from Matthew Broderick. It’s Christmas time and DeVito has a dream of his house being seen from space. That gets him to string up as many Christmas lights and decorations on his house as he can. This pisses off Broderick who thinks of himself as the town’s ‘Christmas Guy’ and gets jealous and annoyed by the attention DeVito is getting.

Soon each of them are angry at each other, there’s a lot of asinine sight gags, prat falls, unfunny humor and a preposterously forced happy ending that will ensure Deck The Halls be one of those Christmas movies you don’t watch around the holidays. Or if you do decide to take a chance on it, to never look back at it again. READ MORE

Altitude (2017)

Denise Richards action movie 2017 AltitudeAltitude is Passenger 57 with Denise Richards stepping into the hero role. She’s a federal agent who’s been demoted to a desk job in D.C. On her way there her flight on Speed Bird Airlines (yes, that’s the name of the airline in this) gets hijacked by Dolph Lundgren, Greer Grammar and their baddie crew.

It’s up to Richards, who is known not to be a rule follower, to kill all these bad guys and save the passengers.

That’s really all you need to know. Oh, also that’s it’s bad. Not a fun bad cheesy B-movie, just a straight bad one. READ MORE

Clockstoppers (2002)

Clockstoppers 2002 Nickelodeon kid movieA very unique watch falls into the hands of teenage Zak (Jesse Bradford). It has this super cool ability to speed up the molecules of the wearers body. This basically means it makes time and everything around him slows down and stops! That is so neato!

Clockstoppers is a Nickelodeon film i.e..it’s target audience is a very particular age group. This is not meant to be a hefty exploration of science fiction ideas to explore consequences and teach morals. This isn’t like the 1963 Twilight Zone episode ‘A Kind of a Stopwatch’, which had a similar premise and ended with that surprise twist ending that left everyone haunted. The elements of time and the powers and dangers with it held by our hero aren’t going to be explored for mind-blowing lessons to be learned here.

No. This is a Nickelodeon movie. The most Clockstoppers will do with the premise is show you how funny it would be to move a peeing dog into a meter maids car. READ MORE

Assassination (1987)

Charles Bronson Jill Ireland Assassination 1987 action movieSome bad guys are out to get First Lady Jill Ireland. Luckily she’s being guarded by tough, no-nonsense secret agent Charles Bronson. The bad guys won’t stand a chance!

The secret agent and First Lady might not like each other, but through a series of explosive, over-the-top action scenes you can bet they’ll soften towards each other before the end credits roll.

Directed by Peter Hunt, Assassination is another disposable Bronson action flick brought to us by the fine folks at Cannon Films. Unfortunately, it isn’t as cheesily fun for a brainless Saturday night actioner as some of his other outings. READ MORE

Bad Girls (1994)

Bad Girls 1994 western Madeleine Stowe Andie MacDowell Drew Barrymore Mary Stuart MastersonFour prostitutes (Madeleine Stowe, Mary Stuart Masterson, Andie McDowell and Drew Barrymore) have to stay ahead of the law after their leader Cody (Stowe) guns down a man in cold blood. They need a bunch of cash quickly to disappear into the sunset and hopefully start a peaceful, quiet life for themselves.

Besides a persistent pair of pursuing Pinkerton marshals on their tails, they soon encounter an old outlaw associate of Cody’s who complicates their plans and becomes a major roadblock to their freedom. Now they have to strap on their guns, fight to get their money and prove to all the dastardly cowboys that girl power is kicking in the old west!

Sadly, the ladies are saddled with a predictable story, lame characters and not a single decent action set piece in this infamous bomb that hit theaters. READ MORE

Who’s Minding The Mint? (1967)

Whos Minding the Mint 1967 caper comedy ensembleJim Hutton works at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing in Washington D.C. You know, the place that prints money! It’s a nice gig, until one day he accidentally destroys $50,000! Knowing his boss won’t listen to reason and would love to string Hutton up for any minor infraction, he comes up with a plan that will save his job and avoid prison time.

Hutton decides to break back into the place late at night and print up and replace the missing fifty grand. He’ll need some help to do this however. So an ensemble cast collide in this madcap caper comedy with stars Milton Berle, Dorothy Provine, Walter Brennan, Jack Gilford, Joey Bishop, Victor Buono, Jamie Farr and Bob Denver.

It kind of sounds like a cross between It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and Ocean’s Eleven doesn’t it?

Don’t get too excited. READ MORE

Kansas City Bomber (1972)

Raquel Welch Kansas City Bomber 1972Roller-derby skater K.C. Carr (Raquel Welch) has just got traded from her team in Kansas City Missouri to Portland Oregon. Now a Portland Logger K.C. not only is taking hits and falls on the track, but she’s finding drama at every turn off of it as well.

She faces animosity by Jackie Burdette (Helena Kallianiotes) who was the star Logger and is now threatened by K.C.’s popularity. Logger owner Burt Henry (Kevin McCarthy) has more than a business interest in K.C. and as they begin to date he begins to show a more ruthless side. Plus, way back in Kansas City K.C.’s two children are missing their mom. Oh what a star roller-derby lady has to contend with!

Kansas City Bomber was the combining of two timely popular things of the period – the sexiest leading lady of the era and the fad of roller-derby that had gripped the country. READ MORE