Sick In Bed & Keeping Company With Bad Movies

Being sick has some advantages. You get a break from work. You’re able to get plenty of rest. And all this extra time allows you an opportunity to watch some stuff you probably never would have seen if you weren’t goofed up on cough medicine and the remote was just too far away and out-of-reach.

Me being numbed out and light-headed probably made this stuff more bearable to sit through – but really not by much. My friend asked me why not watch some good movies and my answer was simply I don’t think the condition I’m in would allow me to appreciate them. Hence, channel surfing from one bad flick to the next.

These might not be very fair reviews since granted I didn’t always watch all them from beginning to end, but it’s the closest I’ll ever come to a full-length screening of them.

The Colony (2013)

Oh boy. I remember actually writing about this flick for a summer movie blog. The future, the world is frozen, survivors from one outpost visit another and discover the people there became cannibals. Now that they’re aware there are more humans around the cannibals are after our team of explorers, they want to follow them back to their homebase and get some some fresh meat.

Simply awful. I couldn’t figure out the logic of any of it. For one thing why are these colonists so scared of cannibals with knifes when they themselves are armed with guns? And how did the cannibals track them back to their colony if the world is in a constant snowstorm – wouldn’t their tracks be covered and they’d be impossible to follow?

Plus they blew up a bridge behind them which sure made it seem like an impossible task for the cannibals to get around. The whole thing consists of close-ups of cannibals screaming and colonists running around in corridors and hallways. Really boring and monotonous.

Bill Paxton and Laurence Fishburne really must of been anxious for this paycheck or saw something in this story that completely escapes me. There’s naturally a young hero in this. He’s one of those generic young, Hollywood actors, with nothing distinguishable about him. What a horrid movie.

Terror Train (1980)

Oh brother. Everyone knows Jamie Lee Curtis was the ‘Scream Queen’ during the early 80’s. Thanks to the success of Halloween, she returned to the horror genre in The Fog, Prom Night, Halloween II and Terror Train.

I was watching this and thinking when does the movie start??? Ok, I came in late watching this so maybe I missed some intricate setup or something, but nothing happens for a very, very long time. So long in fact the movie almost reaches its ending without anything ever having happened!

It’s New Years Eve on a moving train and a masked killer aims to pick off six of his college buddies for pulling a joke on him years before…or something. The bulk of this movie is the train moving along, random incidents with some of the guests on board, a little business with conductor Ben Johnson, a red herring magic performance with David Copperfield and the complete lack of any suspense.

When the blood does get spilling it’s too little and too late and everyone makes the cliched stupid decisions victims in horror movies are famously known for. I don’t know what they were thinking with this one. It even seemed moot to set the thing on a train.

Hard To Kill (1990)

Thank you something I can stomach. Steven Seagal is policeman Mason Storm. You got the name right – Mason Storm! He and his family are shot and left for dead by crooked cops. However, these cops are pretty stupid since Mason’s son escapes and Mason sits in a seven-year coma resting up for some payback.

What’s funny about this flick is that ‘Seagal sincerity’ about it all. It’s hard to take any of it serious, but it’s played so completely straight. I can think of one or two little quips here and there, but it’s a pretty humorless exercise.

And how can you not chuckle at Kelly LeBrock as a nurse who falls for the newly awakened Mason, a hokey training montage as Mason gets back into the swing of things and William Sandler as an evil Senator who sits in hot tubs with bikini chicks? These action movies really are a time capsule of their time. Lots of squibs, a by-the-numbers kind of plot, not the best of acting, but audiences loved them.

It’s also another one of those early Seagal films that had a title that seemed to be chosen for the promotional consideration of working with the preamble “Steven Seagal Is….”. Steven Seagal is Out For Justice. Steven Seagal Is Above The Law. Steven Seagal Is Marked For Death. Steven Seagal Is Hard To Kill. The ultra-serious titles add even more humor to the whole thing.

Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo (2005)

What a horrid movie this is. I didn’t see the first one and I don’t think that would have made this any more bearable. Rob Schneider – who I never thought was much of a talent anyway. On SNL all I remember him doing was that copier guy bit. Here he’s even less memorable and less funny.

Deuce goes to Amsterdam and partners up with his old pal Eddie Griffin to help solve a series of Gigolo murders or some insipid thing. The humor consists of immature gags about throat cancer, OCD, gay jokes, getting high, women with penis’ on their faces, old blind people being mauled by dolphins, eating soggy chips out of a toilet and a cat biting a guys balls.

Juvenile humor can be very funny when done right. Inject it with a little style, some creativity, a touch of class, but not a moment of any of the gags are pulled off here. The jokes fall flat and the film continues to beat them over your head thinking that will make it all the more funnier. It isn’t. It doesn’t. It’s a horrible excuse for a comedy.

No Holds Barred (1989)

There was a time when Hulk Hogan was everywhere. Not only in the wrestling ring, but he was on cereal boxes, t-shirts, in cartoons, on toy shelves. So in 1989 WWF Prez Vince McMahon and Hogan were ready to venture into the motion picture business. And that idea hit the ground like a body slam.

Hogan plays world champion wrestler Rip (who’s catchphrase is “Rip ‘Em!” Very complex). Evil TV producer Kurt Fuller wants ratings but since he’s unable to get Rip to work with him he creates The Battle of the Tough Guys. Tiny Lister’s Zeus is clearly a new champion to be feared. Now Rip must tear himself away from teaching kids the values of honesty, kindness and family values to going into the ring with Zeus and kicking his ass.

The audience for this was clearly 13-year-olds who thought Hogan was cool back then. But then it goes into some strange darker stuff. There’s a robbery in a diner so Rip being a heroic guy saves the day by throwing pies at the robbers. Ok, not very violent.

Then acouple scenes later Rip’s gal Joan Severence is assaulted and there’s an attempted rape. Where did this come from??? Rips’ brother is put in a wheelchair by Zeus. And I’m not talking about cartoony beaten up, it’s like Zeus made this guy paralyzed. I

t’s a victory when the kid can move his finger again! I find it hysterical that this was released on the same day as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade! I know what flick I saw that day and I feel better for it.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

This one is kind of a cheat since I had already seen it before. How can one not be curious about this??? When the overwhelming awful reviews came pouring out about this it had to generate some interest on some level. People had to be left wondering – is it really that bad???

Well, it is bad. It’s such an ugly looking movie too. I’m not sure what anyone would find so special about the story either. There’s really nothing that works in it or I find the least bit compelling. It’s one big poorly made, crappy sci-fi movie.

What’s so amazing about it looking at it now is that Battlefield Earth actually ever got made. I find it hard to believe that investors came forward to put the money up for this. Even if these people never even saw a movie before, you would think one look at Travolta in that alien makeup should have clued them in that this might not work.

Amazon Women On The Moon (1987)

Similar to Groove Tube or Kentucky Fried Movie, Amazon Women is a roulette wheel of skits and bits. Some you might find funny, some maybe not so much.

Based around a late night tv-airing of an old 50’s sci-fi movie, Amazon Women jumps around from parodies of commercials, movies, TV shows and random assorted sketches. There’s a lot of variety to all the material jammed into its running time and plenty of recognizable faces that pop up throughout.

I’d almost call it a precursor to Movie 43. Only this flick has more to offer, it’s more creative, the actors involved don’t have to be that ashamed of their participation in it and it does have its funny spots – just not enough of them.

This was a weird rewatch for me since I hadn’t seen it since back in the late 80’s. The bits I didn’t like back then I still didn’t like, and I was reminded of the few high points out of the parade of skits.

A few of my favorites – Son of the Invisible Man with Ed Begley Jr. The investigative Henry Silva hosted show Bullshit or Not? “Although this is a bullshit reenactment it might have happened just this way.“

David Alan Grier as Don ‘No Soul’ Simmons. Video Pirates – just because VHS and laserdisc technology looks so ridiculously outdated now.

Plus, some of the actual Amazon Women movie with Sybil Danning. I always found it quite a funny detail how they have office chairs with wheels in the rocket ship.

This movie is kind of a push. There are a few high points that one might take a shine to if you stumble onto it, but then again humor is so subjective it could be possible that it would all be a washout. Best just to look at some clips on Youtube or something. It’s definitely funnier than Deuce Bigelow!!!

I can’t conclusively say watching these movies made me feel much better and you’re doctor or movie pal could probably give you a better prescription of stuff to watch. The one good thing is that I felt no guilt if I decided to nod off during any of my viewings of these flicks! That is a plus.

I’ve gradually started to feel a little bit better, but there’s no telling if I still need a few more hours of bad movie programming to force myself to get better and get away from that TV!